“Every single day I see things that I feel powerless to stop. There’s so much. It hurts me and exhausts me and I’m angry at all the people who’ve told me that “we can change the world”, because it seems so impossible. It’s never been us. There will never be enough of good in me, or love in me to change things as awful as what we face in the world and everyone who says there is, is lying. My kindness runs out, my heart is broken and I feel like just taking a nap for three days so I can wake up and make sense of it all again. It has to be Jesus. Something about who He is and His power and His love has to be what fuels us and gives us hope and changes us. I am not enough. I don’t have enough. But we’ve been told all our lives that Jesus is enough—and I have nothing left but to believe it, or lose hope.
I’m actually watching a movie right now called ‘Beyond the Gates’ and it’s about the genocide in Rwanda when all the Hutu people massacred 800,000 of the Tutsi people back between April through July of 1994. There is a priest there and at the end when the UN comes to rescue him (and none of his church members because they’re Tutsi), he chooses to stay. Of course, I’m blubbering like an idiot, but he says:
“I have to stay…. You asked me, “Where is God in everything that is happening here, in all this suffering?” I know exactly where he is. He’s right here with these people, suffering. His love is here, more intense and profound that I have ever felt. And my heart is here, my soul. And if I leave, I think, I may not find it again.”
He only leaves to smuggle some of the children out in his truck after the UN has abandoned them—and was shot to death.
I’m not sure why I shared all that, but I think it’s part of how I feel here.
Emotions. I’m obviously not in that kind of danger and I haven’t been that heroic. But still.
I don’t even want to make people guilty that they have it so good… just to be thankful that God gave their lives to them and don’t take them for granted. Everyone has problems, and just because we’re in America doesn’t mean that what we deal with doesn’t matter. Do me a favor, and never, ever feel like what I’m telling you is to make you feel guilty or feel like you don’t deserve to ask for help or share how you feel or, for goodness sake, talk to God about the things you’re dealing with. As amazing as it is, God has no levels—His heart is as broken for us when we’re lonely and separated from Him and feel like nothing in our life is going right and we have no direction or peace in how much He loves us, at home in America, as He is for the little girl in a village that isn’t found on the map, being raped by a grown man that is most likely her uncle.
His love is not reserved only for those who “have it so much worse than us”. That’s another lie that we’ve believed for years. He loves you as much as me as much as little Dolo in the village—and he suffers with us, when we suffer, on whatever level. He has no levels of what people are worth to Him.”
And then, there’s my beautiful little sister’s birthday. Wish I could be home for her special day.
And, Michelle is coming!
So concludes the little bits of things in my brain this week.