It’s been a while, kids, but I’m back.
I’m back in more ways than one.
As some of you may know, I had been hoping to return to Tanzania this year for the few months before Christmas. Long story short, after a lot of prayer and genuinely asking Jesus what my next step would be, I realized I had to let go of my plans to immediately return to the mission field—for now.
Not exactly what I had in mind for myself, but this new season of my life seems to be a revisiting and re-evaluating my “plans”, and having Jesus change them to see if I’m still going to trust him.
Beyond that, in all my quiet times I can all but audibly hear him asking me if I’m willing to esteem him greater than my desire to “serve him” in the way that makes me the most comfortable.
This all probably sounds a bit backwards, but from what I know of God he is all about keeping us on our toes and shaking us up when we get too comfortable in what we think we’re going to do.
There’s something to be said of the danger of being too comfortable in our relationship with Jesus. We stop asking him what his heart is for us today. We stop listening to hear his voice daily. We stop up our sensitivity to his Spirit because we know our future and no longer need his advice or opinions. We’ve tricked ourselves into thinking that we’re established and independent of the Lord.
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.
I’m a fiercely independent person, and I’m also a little too obsessed with the formulaic. If God teaches me something once, in one way, in one place, I immediately latch onto it and try to re-create it again in my life. “This is how he worked last time,” I reason with myself, “this must be the way I can expect him to do things from now on”. Just like that, I have a nice little set of rules to follow to see God come through in the exact way he did last time, eliminating, of course, all of his sovereignty and any plans he had to stretch my faith.
This is not me being Spirit-led, this is me is taking matters into my own hands, looking to my last ‘large-scale’ obedience and trying to replicate it again… instead of being open to the fact that God might have other plans.
I’m not giving up on the things I believe God has put in my heart, by the way. I still believe there are more overseas journeys in my future, and there’s nothing to say I can’t be a blessing and be useful here in the States. It’s not that I think I have to be out of the country to be where I’m the happiest, or to be where God wants me. I mean, part of me does, but I think that’s something He still wants to work out of me.
Just when I think I’ve got him all figured out he shows me another level of trust, another level of intimacy, another level of freedom.
I am determined to be teachable in this next season, no matter how much I may initially resist it. Here I am, Jesus; still yours.
Looks like I’ll be around for a while longer, Naples.
Here’s to hopefully finding a job in the not-so-distant future.